In many ways my life has been like riding on a train. The track is laid out and all I have to do is ride on the train and follow the track. Well, that's good, until the track stops, the train stops, and they kick you off the train and tell you to do whatever you want. "You can do anything," they tell you. "Follow your dreams," they say. "Pay off your student loan debt" and "you should have picked a more marketable career" is what they should say as they push you off the train into the "real world" of adulthood.
The train has stopped. So many of my goals were on that train track of expectations I had for myself and others had for me. Graduate from high school, finish my Young Womenhood projects for church, graduate from seminary, apply for college, do internships, serve a full-time church mission (completely my choice- no one else pressured me into doing this), get my Bachelor's degree and Master's degree, get teacher certified, get a career, buy a house, fulfill callings, etc. Now what? Now I am off the train track trying to hammer together railroad ties to form the next part of my railroad track and determine my journey. Problem is, I don't necessarily know what I want my journey to look like.
It can be embarrassing to do speed-dating and have people ask what my ambitions are and I don't have any. Literally, I was in Oklahoma at a church conference this summer (it was so much fun!) and I learned how to scare away men. This one young man asked me, "What are your goals for the next 10 years?" Now, don't get me wrong, because I love goals and I love to ask this question of other people. However, I was not prepared to answer this question. I responded with the most recent ambition I had. "I want to be a coach for Weight Watchers." I rambled as I explained that I wasn't self-conscious about my body, but I wanted to support other people and feel supported as I make health changes. His eyes widened and he didn't speak to me again for the rest of the conference. I have to come up with something better than that the next time I go speed-dating! :)
The real answer is that I don't know what I want my life to look like post-college and post-mission (and soon to be post-YSA). I am investing a good chunk of time concerned with becoming financially stable. My expectation/dream that I could afford to save the world with a low-paying career (go, teaching!) while depending on an imaginary husband with a higher-paying career has evaporated. Instead, it is replaced with the reality that even if I do get married, I need to be prepared to be a primary breadwinner (as observed from real-life examples of people who are close to me). So, I am in the middle looking for different paths (currently I am exploring organizational behavior or training in a corporate setting, financial planning, or even early-childhood special education). As my roommate told me, "You are going to die with about 10 Master's degrees." She is absolutely right. I really will (at least five).
I am also just trying to learn how to be an adult and how to be responsible. I am trying to learn how to do all the chores I should have learned as a kid. I am trying to learn how to edge and mow a lawn, how to discard and file my papers (they are still all over my bedroom and living room), how to be clean, how to go to bed at a decent hour, how to maintain a car, how to be a safe driver (I am taking an AARP class), etc.
I am also trying to learn how to create balance in my life and not just commute, work, exercise, and do chores at home. I am trying to learn how to be proactive socially and to focus on strengthening relationships. I have to set a goal to have fun, otherwise I will be bored and miserable working on stuff all the time.
I don't think I have huge and ambitious goals anymore. I am just trying to live my life and be happy. I am trying to improve and become better. I try to help people when I can. That's about it. Maybe that makes for a bunch of really awkward answers to speed dating questions, but that is where I am building my train tracks and where my train is (not) going.
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